Breaking Free of the Routine Route

    When crisscrossing across the United States, the excitement of a new road ahead and where it will lead is mixed with the fear of "am I really going the right way to reach my intended destination?" I have no idea what part of town I am headed into. I navigate with caution.It's when I have returned to the same grocery store, Chick fil a, or library several times that I feel at ease. When I no longer turn on the GPS then I feel like we have "settled in" at a new location. 

     However, there are some places, like returning to my hometown, when it all comes back naturally.  Like riding a bike, I get in the car and I know how to get where I need to go. Some of the roads that I go down are paved with good and bad memories that influenced me along the way. Those memories and feelings also come and go naturally without me even considering the thought. The familiarity reduces caution and hyperawareness of my surroundings. I am comfortable, secure in my knowledge, and my guard comes down. As I drive without thinking, the road can lead me into complacency. 

      I caught a brief moment of a movie before going to bed. " That is just an old habit"  was quoted by a main character. This statement bellowed out to me, while in the middle of giving myself a huge 'talking to" for failing miserably in a grand opportunity to apply all that was becoming a part of me. Old thoughts, old beliefs, and old habits swirled around me. The old way of doing life is not easily removed. Sometimes it feels like it is so deeply embedded that removal is an impossible feat. It can come as natural as breathing. It gets even more confusing when what is hindering my soul and the growth of my personal relationships has also been pieces of me that were once praised for"'strength and boldness."  

      My Dad told a story once of my Grandpa accidentally putting a toothpick in his mouth and lighting it. Merely from the habit of the motion. He was not desiring a cigarette. It was just a motion he was accustomed to. Even when chaos and crisis are not occurring, I can feel like I am in danger, and react out of habit. Although it is not my desire, and I make a conscious efforts beforehand, when I am caught off guard, it all comes naturally. I am a survivor. Survival instincts kick in with no warning. Coping mechanisms that once had a purpose, no longer are necessary.  This habit is not my authentic self. It is only an old habit. And it is not God's will for me to stay this way. It is not anyone's will to be in my line of fire when I behave this way. 

     I am carrying chaos within myself. No matter how much I try to reach a recovery goal or put my life in order, I still have moments of  functioning as though I am in chaos (regardless of my current situation.) It paralyzes me, old habits emerge, old reactions spew, all a futile grasp to control the outside, while the inside is churning. I am ashamed. I am overwhelmed. The task seems too much. But I have to slow down. I must believe that I can be restored. I must turn my will over.

 Behavior is defined as the way in which I respond to a particular situation. My behaviors and habits are developed by reacting to my environment safe or unsafe. The way I behave is not who I am. In fact, some of my behaviors go against the very nature of who I am. Coping mechanisms have served a purpose in the past, especially in emergency, threatening situations. However, when they are no longer needed, healing must take place. In order for behaviors to change, beliefs must change. Feeling are not facts. Feelings are meant to be felt, talked through or about, possibly grieved, and then held out for the truth to be spoken into. My feelings matter, but when I start to view them through a lense of facts, I make decisions based on false facts, and I begin to behave accordingly. 

 In Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, Dumbledore states, "It is our choices, Harry, that show what we truly are..." Choices are my opportunity or power to make a decision. Reaction feels like a human right, a justified response from a justified emotion...but there is a choice in each moment. And it starts with slowing down and letting my newfound awareness mingled with the Holy Spirit present me with the truth. 
I am fantastic at the self analysis later on.  I slow down, I analyze the situation, I feel my feelings, and inevitably the next feeling is shame. I have a wonderful person in my life that speaks to me in these playback moments. And she lets me know that when a struggle is revealed, I now have a healing opportunity. I can then show myself compassion as well as to the "offender."

"Some habits are harder to break than others, especially when it is something addictive like food, caffeine, or social media. However, if you know that you have a bad habit, not doing anything to change it is your choice." (betterhumans.com)  As I learn, my self awareness strengthens. I gain wisdom about myself.  I am no longer looking outwardly at others thinking " I sure wish they would stop doing that." I look inwardly and say "I wish I would stop doing that." And more pressing, "why do I do that?" I don't blame others, instead I dig deeper to discover what has caused my reaction to someone else's choices, actions, or words.

I heard a statement about me (not to me) recently. It was not meant to be negative, but it effected me deeply. My first instinct was to make a phone call to "get things straight." I chose not to make that phone call. Two days later, I finally discovered a truth about myself, leading to a productive discussion with that person about my heart and affirming my trust in their true intentions. Speedily heading into an old habit, would have produced very different and difficult results. 

Roman 6:6  For WE KNOW that our old self was crucified with him so that the body ruled by sin might be rendered powerless so that we may no longer be enslaved to sin.

The beginning of this verse stood out to me like a flashing red light. Once I know something, I cannot unknow it. "I didn't know" holds no weight. I believe my old habits are powerless. If I choose the old way, it is not because of lack of knowledge. I know the old self has been buried. I know that there is another way. I know the truth.  

My children will tell you that the worst parts of me show up when we need to get somewhere on time, or I have reached the end of the day and I just want everyone in bed ASAP. However, my tactics do not work, and relationships are damaged in the process. As soon as life speeds up, I lose my "slow down" and old habits start flying out. But I can't tell you I am unaware. Therefore, my awareness poses a choice. Ignorance can be bliss...but it doesn't change anything. It does not heal. 

Susie Larson writes "We don't flourish in our hardships by wallowing in them. Nor do we flourish in our hardships by ignoring them. We flourish when we face what breaks our heart, and then we look up to Jesus, the keeper of our hearts." (Fully Alive, 153) 

So much of what I am reading and listening to lately points to creating new habits by purposely refusing to engage in the old habit over and over and over:

Susie Larson writes "When we consistently remember God's faithfulness and rehearse His promises, when we apply His truth to our lives, and when we consistently make healthy life-adjustments, the narrative changes in our brains and our physiology, and those messages work their way out into our emotions, our perspective, and our reality. (Fully Alive, 152)

"Changing an automatic response would require a similar approach to the one it took to adjust our ritual of crossing the street: deliberate action (the decision to break the habit) and ongoing training (diligent adherence to a treatment program). Eventually, the brain would rewire itself and create a new, healthier automatic response." (psychologytoday.com) 

 The more I exercise, the more my body can do each day. The more I travel to a location the more familiar I am getting there on my own.  The more I practice slowing down in a chaotic mess, the less effect the chaos will have on my response. I do not practice "fake it til I make it." I lean into what I know. 

     It turns out these imperfections of mine are blessings. They are what keep me from being a robot.  Imperfection creates opportunities...so many opportunities. I have a choices and I make them imperfectly. I have a will and I use it imperfectly. This reveals my need to exchange my heart for my Savior's heart. I am a unique creation and I can reflect my creator. Just like my children can reflect me. 

      "No longer do I I expect to be perfect, and I don't hide away in isolation for fear of having my imperfections discovered. My imperfections reflect my humanness and my oneness with others." (Hope for Today, 54)

     I accept my imperfections. I see that those imperfections make my journey distinctively mine. I envision the jagged, imperfect rocks along the California coast that make the sea difficult to swim in, but the majesty of the intersection of those imperfections with the waves.  It shows me a struggle and an opportunity for healing. It shows me what I need to work on today. 

The Quest of "Being Still"

Walking around the water, breathing in the cool air, catching the light from behind the pine trees. I have come to realize we keep coming back to this nook in Georgia, because there is something restorative about it. Yes, there can be extreme weather, stifling humidity, and some of the most annoying bugs around. But right now, as I stroll the perimeter, I realize this is my time and my place for rehabilitation. A time to rebuild, regroup, and reestablish me. It's a peaceful acceptance. 

This time has allowed me to come undone in my lonely moments and find routine in my more chaotic moments. And in that space between introspection and the daily to do's of life, I have realized that somewhere along the way I prescribed myself an identity. I have become my reaction to survive the frenzy of unpredictable and chaotic episodes throughout life. Trying to maintain a sense of safety by staying  guarded and vowing to myself to be ready at any moment to thwart confusion and distress. And, in that, I birthed an identity that is not my own and stifled my genuineness.  That gnawing feeling in my chest that begs me to strive for better, to fight for self protection, to crave labels of a "strong woman," breaks open to authenticity. 

I am deep into dissecting verses and their message to me. Allowing a step by step, gentle process to transform me. A new desire to empathize, identify, and gain knowledge from the journey of others, emerges.  The Twelve Steps become more than a decision, but also a way of life. This internal adventure reveals more and more of who I am and who I am not. The same anticipation and giddiness that I would get on a travel day, is now how I wake up feeling about discovering more of what my Savior desires for me and who I am. 

Back in October, wishful dreams were held in my heart. Steps toward realizing a calling for our family began. However, at the very same time God was impressing on me the need for  a healing process. And Psalm 51:10 was the theme for the start. My nerdy word research led to the discovery of "authentic", "real", and "true" as synonyms for pure. These words would echo in my mind as I would try to merge my authentic self with "relentless" spirit. This is a simple verse. It should not stump me. But these two words created a dichotomy that I could not consider pursing at the same time.The exploration for healing began. I started with the book Fully Alive by Susie Larson. I heard her interview on a podcast that I listen to regularly. The plan was a 10 week (10 chapters) healing journey , tie up the loose ends, and our family would continue on to the next destination. I could say I was not prepared for the unraveling of plans that took place just four weeks later. But I am always exhaustively, mentally preparing for a bomb to drop.  I can also look back at past moments and see the footprints walking alongside reminding me I would not be alone. 

This strenuous yet familiar trek is far from over, but as I have followed the arrows of struggle and healing, I am exactly where I am meant to be, the place I was being prepared for. I have invested my time in several bible studies, and more books (It's Not Supposed to Be This Way, It's Okay to Not Be Okay, and continuing Fully Alive, Jeremiah, Ezekiel, Hebrews, and Proverbs) , and a 12 step program.  And, I am just recently fully embracing James 1:2-4. 

It should not take outside forces and extreme events for me to come to this conclusion. But God knows how to get my attention. He needed me to come to terms with the unmanageability of life and the powerlessness that I needed to admit. I did not believe that there was anything new that could be unearthed, but this concession changed everything. This particular road had to be revisited to take me here. 
And now, rather than sinking into self-pity, or resigning to regret for my family, I embrace the restorative process designed for me. My compassion is now for those that skip over or ignore these big eye-opening moments. The moments that deserve a pause to self reflect and self examine, permission to grieve losses now and in the past, and respond in a 180 degree overhaul of how life is done. 
The more I do life with others, and examine their experiences. The more I awaken to God scooping up, wrapping up, and encompassing the heartbroken.  This awakening is dormant  when life is happening on my terms and in my comfort zone. God prepares those suffering (outwardly, inwardly, or both) for something else more far reaching than themselves. There is an ultra awareness that takes place, not only self awareness and personal inventory, but awareness of all that has been missed in others and the forgotten gratitude. So my sorrow, now, is not for those that are in the refining fire. It is for those that are not. Those that believe that survival is the best way to live, and just try to make life as comfortable and easy as possible. As Lysa Terkeurst puts it, [Because of times like these] "You are anchored to the hope of God that so few ever truly find." (p104 It's Not Supposed to Be this Way)

It is that same spirit that fueled my travel desires, to experience life differently, and to provide perspective for my children, that inspires me to seek a personal, introspective journey now. What a waste if I were to just move from setting to setting and react the same way that I always have to fear, discomfort, and disappointments.  Travel has changed my mind about others, and disproved myths or stereotypes about a  particular area or culture when experiencing it firsthand. It only makes sense that my mind and spirit could be awakened by traveling within. Perhaps there are some beliefs about myself that could be disproven.

My central theme for Living Out of Bounds began with a verse 

Romans 7:6 But now, by dying to what once bound us, we have been released from the law so that we serve in the new way of the Spirit, and not in the old way of the written code.

I was hoping words would be penned inspiring others to do something uncommon. To break out of the status quo, "the law of the land", freeing themselves from the bindings of life. Perhaps trying something new, exciting, or discovering a Spirit led life. It was never to say you should sell everything and move into a RV. It was the idea of a personal journey towards discovery. If I had directed God in our adventure, I would have requested that this process take place before we hit the road (and in many ways I thought it already had.) But I trust (ie release my will and my trying)  His timing  and all the people, all the places, and all the experiences were leading to this climatic moment where God used it all for the more impactful journey...one that matters more to the legacy of this family.  

Is Life a Beach?

We each have our own beach personality. Shiloh immediately goes off to explore. Jocelyn plunges into the water to get the full experience. Selah will find her own little spot to camp out (if we make any suggestions, there is an immediate no, she has to find her own thing her own way.) JoJo is just ecstatic to be anywhere doing anything. Scott finds youthfulness and nostalgia. I can completely melt away, find my soul, feel the release of any weight I was previously carrying. As though I can see myself in a sci-fi movie and my body melts into particles and drifts away.

John 8:36 So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.


Life, Liberty, and Pursuit of Happiness
Many people in the typical neighborhood/sticks and bricks life find a rhythm in the schedule. In contrast, many traveling families adhere to no schedule and very little planning when it comes to the next destination. We fall in the middle. Our rhythm of life tends to follow Scott's work schedule. However, there is wiggle room in the routine. When Dad has a day off, comes home early, has weeks in between the next job, then we can drop the school books (or put them in the car) and head out for some family exploration. Sometimes that leads to a new park or library, sometimes to Chinatown or Little Italy, San Francisco or New York City, sometimes to an amusement park or children's museum, as much as possible to the beach, or hanging out with some of the wonderful people that we meet.

Scott also has the liberty to leave a job at any time and go onto the next one. But there is restraint due to his loyalty to his company, his union brothers, and his family. Freedom with responsibility is the formula for a renewed mindset that reminds him of his purpose and not just the daily grind. Each day is a choice. Now, Scott still puts a pressure on himself to provide for his family. And sometimes (like now), I enroll the kids in activities I wish to stay in one location to complete. But, we have learned Plan B,C, and D have proven worthy. God has always provided the next job at the location he intends for us at the time that He wants us to be there. Free indeed...

A Lifestyle of Learning
I want many virtues to be developed in my children, but the constant exposure that I hope they get by our traveling lifestyle is problem solving and critical thinking. I mention those two things every now and then. But more so I want them to be exposed to it by just relishing in the  uniqueness of their lifestyle. Anyone that has put themselves in new situation after new situation knows there is ample junctures for problem solving. 

"Critical thinking means making reasoned judgments that are logical and well-thought out. It is a way of thinking in which you don't simply accept all arguments and conclusions you are exposed to but rather have an attitude involving questioning such arguments and conclusions." 

Even traveling within the United States we are exposed to very different cultures, beliefs, and attitudes. We are living in a space of "why?" and that can surely be a dreaded question for parents. But it leads to rich discussion, and exposure that we would not get any other way. I want others' conclusions questioned. I want our conclusions questioned. 

Our children can see that the way they are living is different than most. They also see others participating in this same lifestyle. And with each destination, we get to be curious and open up a world of discovery. 

I do use a packaged curriculum for my children, but when the day's assignments are left undone. I can be assured that  the "unschooling/roadschooling"  (creating and maintaining an environment in which natural learning can flourish) approach for the day is shaping minds and opening up potential that a book would never be able to do. 



Freedom of Choice/ Freedom in the Choice
Our life is not a beach. But it opens the floodgates of possibility. Our brains have been reprogrammed to put a spin on obstacles as serendipitous opportunities and not let our life choices be determined by others' conclusions about how this one life is to be lived. We are on a quest to continually grow, to not get stuck, but also not to move just for the sake of moving.

There is a discretion with our freedom. We are charged with the task of being a good steward of our time, our blessings, and our opportunities. But we do not have to follow the  culturally mandated schedule of life. Our family can be very whimsical in the day to day, however there is still an order and a goal in mind.

Fortuity is the state of being controlled by chance rather than design. My hope is that our steps are being determined by the combination of chance and design. The chance or crossroads in the opportunity and the abundance of opportunity that comes with taking risks, and the design in who we were already created to be and stepping into that fully. 

The photos that I post could lead others to believe that our life is a beach. The truth is that we usually have the liberty to be at the beach. For many of our travel destinations that is reality. The gain in this traveling journey is not that we can go to the beach each day. It's that we have the convenience of choice. Traveling has opened up a sea of possibility. The freedom in the choice changes everything. It changes the program of the mind, and gives the heart a voice. Curiosity of what else is possible can no longer be suppressed, hopes are awakened, and child-like faith arises.

The Night That The Bridge Stayed Up in Rio Vista

It seems we are always meandering over the Sacramento and San Joaquin Rivers. Sometimes traffic gets significantly backed up as the area is growing and most roads and bridges are two lanes. Currently, the Rio Vista Bridge is being painted, so it isn't a surprise when it gets down to one lane. I usually check my GPS to check the traffic situation before I head "to town."

It was a morning and afternoon of "payday" shopping...Consignment stores for wet suits, Dollar Tree for VIPKID stuff and rewards for chores, Chick-fil-A, Fentons Ice Cream, and grocery shopping, plus checking out the cell/internet service at the campground we are moving into next week. We had planned to spend the rest of the day with our neighbors, so I was ready to get across the bridge to cool off in the pool and get my warming groceries put away.

When we first experienced the draw bridges, the girls and I were in awe of the mechanism and even more amazed by the size of the boats coming through. It was a fantastic learning opportunity. So when traffic started to back up and I noticed the bridge was up, I was not too concerned. I was only fifteenth or so in line. But after 20 minutes, then 45 minutes, and my milk and meat starting to sweat. I knew it was time to search out a Plan B.

It is crazy how life works out sometimes. I was just at the Rio Vista Library the day before, after picking a few items at the local grocery store. The girls wanted to go to craft time before heading home so I asked if they had a fridge that I could stash a few cold items. They kindly obliged. Now, I was carrying $250 worth of groceries, and my first thought was the library has a refrigerator. I was so embarassed to be asking the very next day to store a much bigger amount of food. But they were again very kind about the situation. By now, the whole town was aware that there was a major problem.

The library was filling up, as well as the downtown restaurants. It seemed everyone was on their phone explaining to someone  the reason they were not where they were supposed to be. Kids trying to figure out how their parents were going to get to them. I had to let a few people borrow my phone. Speaking of my phone...it was on 30% and I had no charger. No one had a charger that was compatible with my Moto phone. Then, it occurred to me, Scott was not aware of what was going on and the traffic would affect his route to work. I called him to let him know he needed to start figuring out a new route to work. And that I was stuck,  and most likely my phone would die soon.

The librarians were amazing! We have spent quite a bit of time at the library so they were familiar with our family. I will probably be known as the the "grocery lady" now. I wanted to wait it out for awhile. I was hopeful the bridge would be fixed any minute. But in the meantime, I needed a different route. They helped me brainstorm the best way to get home. We were all shocked that I would need to drive 85 miles when I was only 6 miles from the RV Park. The alternative was to stay in a hotel (ETA on the bridge was now 3am), which I would have gladly done. But I had 4 classes to teach starting at 4:00am.  They printed out a map for me, because it was certain my phone GPS would not make it. We chatted for a long time, while I waited for rush hour plus alternative route traffic to die down. I prepped for my classes on the computer, and the girls were entertained by books and toys. Then one librarian offered me her GPS. I could not believe it. She said she knew I would be back at the library, and I needed it more than her. Just one glitch, the same glitch for my uncharged my phone, it needed to be charged in my non functioning cigarette lighter. I was immensely blessed by her offer, and all the assistance at the library. I told them I would tell all you travelers to stop by the Rio Vista Library if you are ever in the area...while you are at it, stop by the bakery, too.

The girls and I packed up our groceries and prepared for the long trek home. Although, these girls are experienced in long adventures so it didn't seem that long to them.They handled the day very well. We prayed for those that were more than inconveniced by the bridge closure, but truly needed to get to their destination. They received mutiple compliments from the library staff about their great behavior while we camped out. And I received the best compliment of all from Jocelyn. "You know what I like about you, mom?" "You never give up" "You always find a way to make it happen" "You are not going to let a broken bridge stop you." I am tearing up again just thinking about it.

Then, when we arrived home at 9:15pm. Our neighbors met me in the drive, and told us how sorry they were that I was stuck, and graciously unloaded my groceries and my girls.

The journey, even the unexpected, annoying journeys...always lead us to incredible experiences with incredible people.

More Can Be More

I strive to keep our things to a minimum, our extra curricular activities limited, and our schedule from being overwhelming. Less is more? Right? Based on our shift in values since transitioning to the RV lifesytle, I took a huge left turn when applying for VIPKID. 

VIPKid is an online teaching service. Teachers from North America teach students in China. 

My #momlife is already abundantly full. I have cutback on our chosen curriculum because our toddler consumes a lot of everyone's time. I still have not really figured out how to incorporate Selah into the daily lessons. Scott and I struggle to carve away time to spend one on one. The sink is never empty. I could go on and on. But you know life...you live it too. It may look differently, but those 24 hours melt away quickly despite all the resolve to use the time better the next day. 

I chose to dabble in the idea of a mobile job at the most inopportune time. Scott's job in Utah was coming to an end, we were in a location with zero wifi, and we needed to prepare for moving and finding the next destination. I had no idea when I applied for VIPKID that I would be pursued relentlessly to set up an interview. I was certain I was not ready...so far it was just a silly idea. 

As I started to prepare for my demo interview, I was intrigued by the challenge. The girls were involved in my preparation and really spurred me on to keep improving. They were also learning in the process. Little did I know that once I passed the demo, a clock would begin ticking for me to complete two mock classes with a current teacher. I had six days to get it done. The same week that we would be leaving. Challenge accepted! More time preparing, more involvement from the girls (Selah was learning her letters and sounds), I was stimulated in so many areas that had gone dormant in my day to day routine... new challenges, problem solving on a different level, intellectual stimulation from learning something totally new, a fun way for my children to learn with me. The pursuit to contribute to our family financially at the same time as pursuing a passion...PRICELESS!

It started to feel like Mission Impossible as I was given task after task via email to complete in a timely manner. I never spoke to a live person except to do demonstrations. I needed to advertise myself to parents via a bio, pictures, and a short video. There was so much to learn about the teacher portal, how to teach different levels of proficiency, and finding a consistent and reliable way to stay connected.

This first week of teaching has me feeling all the feels, and I have been reflecting on the difference a week makes...

 Family Support
 I have experienced a great deal of mom guilt over this pursuit. It seems strange to do anything for myself or something that I enjoy. I love to read and write, but I rarely give myself permission to make time for it. I feel incredibly selfish because the initial learning curves require more daytime hours than I expected. Scott has been incredibly supportive of the time that I have needed to take. He has even expressed pride in my efforts. Scott has been preparing for a new job in California...testing, classes, testing, more classes, and yet he has gone out of his way to make sure I have the time I need to educate myself and prepare for lessons. My girls get involved in my online workshops and preparing lessons with me. I am beaming with the thought of what my family will do for me and making the choice to invest in me. I have never felt so loved.
 

More Time 
It would seem that adding a job would take away the time that I have. But in reality it has organized my time and made me more available. My homeschooling schedule is more routine and predictable. I have wanted to wake up early and get the day started sooner, but I never found the right motivation. I really did not know there was anything that would make me wake up at 2:45am! And guess who I will get to see every morning? My husband! Our schedules have been so opposite for so long. Now we are both too tired to stay up at night, and we can be early risers together...I am still working on the morning mood, though.The techniques that I am learning have also added to my teaching ability for my children. They ask..."Are you going to teach us like you teach the Chinese kids today?" I am writing my second blog in two weeks, when before it would take me months. 
 

Caring for Myself
I have not done well in the self care department. My self care has consisted of staying up too late on Facebook or watching a meaningless show on Netflix. That is not necessarily the wrong way to spend time, but waking up grouchy because of staying up too late for nonsense make no sense. I now make sure that we have an established bedtime routine so I can get to bed quickly. I have a whole new community of teachers that have helped me through my learning curves, messaged me, and video chatted with me. My time on FB and YouTube has consisted of fueling my mind with knowledge. I am able to get up early enough to do the quiet time that I have so desperately needed. And my prayer life has improved as I pray for strength to do all that I can to be the best at all that I do, that I not pursue something God does not want for me, and gratefulness for the awesome opportunity. I also make time for naps as I get used to the new schedule. I have not done that since JoJo was itty bitty.  

 

A Passion that Makes a Difference
I get to wake up to smiling children on my screen every morning! I am in awe of these amazing children learning a second language at the ages of my own children. They inspire me! I had a mom this morning try to explain to me that her son was very worried. It was my job to ease his nerves and make it a fun learning environment. He came to life and his mom was so grateful. I got to watch a little of their interaction before my camera came on, and I was in awe of a mother hard at work desiring more for her son (just like me), and she was all the way around the globe.

It is making a difference in my home as well. I feel more enthusiastic about being a mom and homeschooling, I am more self fulfilled, I have a greater reliance on my creator, I will see my husband more in his "peak" hours, I feel more loved, and I am challenged. The only thing that is in the negative is my sleep...and I have certainly done life on less sleep before (4 times over). And I never regretted that investment! Sometimes more is more!

The Journey of Finding Calm in the Chaos

It has been awhile since I have written. It seems like a lifetime to capture in a short synopsis. This lifestyle makes it feel like several lives have been lived in a small amount of time. After leaving Connecticut, we were able to spend time with our families for the first time around the holidays, and then make it to Georgia for time with good friends and workcamping for a few months. We love this campground because we can really be at peace with our surroundings and let the kids run free. Then, we thought Utah would be a good stopping point after attending a marriage retreat in Branson, Missouri. It all seems like a whirlwhind. We went from a frigid Spring in Heber Valley to a house for the  month of May while we remodeled the RV. Then a little spot in a driveway just South of SLC that gave the girls a chance to meet new friends and be entertained by horses each day. And...So many reunions with good friends catching up.

 As I look back, I realize that we have not been in the realm of the unfamiliar for quite some time. We have backtracked and criss crossed paths that we have already been down. It was a good season. And now we are embracing the whole reason we chose this lifestyle...the thrill and adventure of the trek into the unknown. Today, I did not like the reacquaintance with the unfamiliar. Our unique way of life begging us to rely on faith and not security. I am sure the FB view makes us seem like we are just weaving our way around with no fear of the unknown. But our faith is tested on a regular basis. I do believe that is why this lifestyle was chosen for us, because had it just been us trying something out, we would have exited stage left a long time ago. The return on that faith investment is always, always worth it.

You know the feeling of moving from one home to the other...you have to shut down life in one location and begin the set up in the next location. Every few months, that is what we are doing. We need to understand where we are and where we can find things. We need doctors and dentists and mechanics and usually in the form of "immediately."  When we first got to Georgia we had to switch phone services because ours would not work , when we first got to Connecticut we needed a pediatric dentist and new tires, there have been two ER visits on the road, and yesterday I needed a doctor for Selah and I had no idea what part of town I was headed into. I was even told over the phone that the doctor was an hour away from my location, then discovered it was actually 17 minutes away.

 It leads me to believe that we are making life too difficult for ourselves. It has Scott and I scratching our heads asking "why do we do this?" The last week exiting and the first week entering our always filled with the highest highs and the lowest lows. We can even predict the chaos and anxiety and yet fall into the trap every time. And the kids...oh the kids...they just go with the flow. Teaching us each time that they trust us to not withhold good from them, yet we constantly question our heavenly father in times of uncertainty. Those Israelites that roam in the desert all through Exodus...that is us! I can read about them and say 'have you not learned anything!' and yet here we are doing the same thing. I have to remember to remember. There is always goodness just around the corner.

I have not formally introduced the way this all works for us. Friends are usually asking "what's next?" or "what's the plan?" We are always formulating a plan, but it never is the plan. Because "our ways are not His ways" and also not the Union's ways. Scott is a Union Pipefitter. The Union is the reason we have been blessed with this opportunity. I have to wonder if God was orchestrating this all along. Scott has been a Union Pipefitter since I have known him. And he never traveled because of it. Except to travel out to Utah to marry me. Scott has to speak to a Union Business Manager to discover where the jobs are located. He usually goes to the Union Hall with a direction of where we want to go. When I was pregnant we wanted to be as close to Memphis, Tennessee as possible. That is how we ended up at a Nuclear Plant in Georgia. When we were burning up in the South, we wanted to go North. The Union told us about a job in Connecticut. We took a break after traveling from Utah to Georgia to North Carolina to Kentucky to Tennessee to Connecticut (and all the states along the way to those destinations). Scott was unemployed for a few months (our sabbatical), and then we headed back to visit Utah after being gone for over two years. When the job ended in Utah, we started looking NorthWest.

This is where it gets really exciting for those of us accustomed to routine and security. There is not always a job, and if there is a job, it can be filled before we make it to the next destination. It is first come first serve, if someone shows up before us, they get the job. IT IS NEVER CERTAIN THAT THE JOB WE WANTED WILL BE THERE. It is also never certain when we will get that first paycheck. Scott has to pass a gate test to prove his skill, there are safety trainings and orientations, and start dates that do not always align with our timeline. We did not get our first paycheck for 5 weeks when we went to Georgia. So our savings account goes through major peaks and valleys.

We are in California. Originally, we were told to go to Portland, Oregon. But that job was filled and no longer had an opening. We have lived off of faith for so long, that we were just going to head to Seattle, Washington and wait for jobs that we were told would be opening up at any time. Then the day before we were going that direction. Scott received a call that he was definitely needed in Concord, California. We have arrived, and we have not been assured that there is a job. In fact, Scott was told the job we came here for has been filled. However, they expect that there will be a call for 40+ welders within days or possibly weeks. Scott will be taking a necessary training for the next two days to ensure he is ready for that call. Yikes! Just typing it makes my stomach knot up.

BUT I was frantic when I arrived in Connecticut. I threw a fit when I found out we were going to Memphis (why did I want to live in my hometown in an RV that was supposed to take me to new places), I was very hot and very pregnant and covered in mosquitoes and gnats in Georgia...and the list goes on. And God showed up in HUGE ways and the experiences have been AMAZING even miraculous. It becomes crystal clear why we are on this glorious adventure and the shaping and the molding that is taking place. We choose the hard way because the wide and predictable path is what will lead us to just that...a plan that we controlled and manipulated to feel comfortable. Trust me what is on the other side of the uncomfortable is what we all truly desire...the wild adventure we were created for.

*I do not believe full-time travel or living in an RV is for everybody. I do believe that getting out of your comfort zone is something necessary for true living, perhaps for even finding the truth. 

Beauty From Ashes

Shiloh had an emotional experience while we were in Connecticut. She wanted to share it with others. We decided that a blog post would be a great way for her to reach an audience for her very personal story. We have been working on writing during school, so we set aside the curriculum for awhile and spent time drafting, correcting, and rewriting her story. It was a great way to learn while processing through her feelings. Today, we get a mother/daughter date at a coffee shop to blog.

Isaiah 61:3
and provide for those who grieve in Zion- to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness , a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor. 


Shiloh's Story

When I was two, Daddy brought me a monkey. My monkey makes me feel happy and safe. I sleep with him every night. Monkey was dropped accidentally on a campground path. He was lost. We searched and searched. I felt sad so so sad.

After 3 days, I was walking up a hill. I screamed and cried because I found him with burns all over his face. My mama helped me. She washed him, She put joy oil on him and we prayed. I read Isaiah 61:3

and the words made my heart feel different. If you feel sad, I think this verse will help you, too.

Mom's  Perspective

It was difficult to watch Shiloh's first introduction to the reality that sometimes the world is just cruel. I am sure we can all pinpoint that moment in our childhood where innocence was lost.  It could have been a much worse eye opening moment, and I am glad for the timing an orchestration of these events for the hurt to sting Shiloh's heart and the tears to flow and the anger to overwhelm, but also the very tangible arms of Jesus enveloping her. The way that you feel the presence of Jesus in those moments that bring you to your knees. For me, I did not realize until many, many years later into my adulthood where Jesus was in those harsh moments of early realizations and heartache. I am thankful that I was could be used to show Shiloh the beauty in the healing.

I very clearly remember the screams from Shiloh when she discovered her monkey and the condition he was in. I had already ordered what looked like a twin of the monkey, but it turned out not to be a replica. However, I was content with mourning the mysterious loss, and trying my best to make the  new monkey as special as the old one. But he was found, and now my daughter was screaming as though she had been stabbed.  The charred monkey was cradled in her arms. I was just as horrified and instantly enraged that anyone could do such a thing. It was very obvious that he had been strategically burned. Not tossed in a fire, or accidentally placed too close to a fire pit. He had been purposely burnt for fun.

I was able to calm Shiloh a bit, and asked her if  I could wash monkey. I wanted to get the burn smell off of him, but I also felt like the stench of hearts intent on harming were on him. I delicately laid him in soapy water, and then thought to anoint him with some essential oil. My hand found Joy oil, and I added a few drops. I thought about the hearts of the kids that did this. I considered what I wanted to teach my daughter in this moment. And then I recalled the "oil of joy" in Isaiah.

Shiloh instantly noticed the smell of her monkey. And I explained that he had Joy oil on him, and that Jesus can turn a bad moment into Joy. I also told her and her sisters that we needed to pray for the people that had harmed monkey. Jocelyn was astounded that we would do such a thing. Shiloh began contemplating why we would pray for them. She decided that the kids may not have known what they were really doing. They may not have had any parents or parents that hurt their feelings. They could have had broken hearts and so they didn't know how to love. She was able to whole heartedly forgive, and pray sincerely for God to show His love to the those that forever changed her monkey's face (and in her eyes, physically caused him pain.) It was a beautiful, broken moment. I was able to peak into Shiloh's heart, and I was proud and I was moved.

It was still a process. Healing always is. Shiloh would cry, but then ask to read Isaiah 61:3 several times a day for many days. But she always told me that the reminder of beauty and joy that God brings made her feel better. She would remind herself and us that God did answer her prayer. because he brought monkey back to her. Jocelyn was worried for several nights that someone would burn our RV when we went to sleep. To this day, it is difficult for Shiloh to leave her monkey for fear she may lose him again and something bad will happen to him again. But that is just another opportunity to teach her to trust and surrender her spirit of fear.

It is a gut punch to watch your child hurt. And I cried several times in my own quiet moments. I know there is so much more heartache and confusion in the future for these girls, and I can only hope and pray that we navigate them well through each one. This was minor, but a first, and a monumental awakening to the innocent heart of my child.